According to Dr. Paul Schoenfeld, the term "tough love" was in coined in a book, by the same name, in 1968. The idea of tough love is taking a beating around the country. The basic philosophy of it is based on the idea of love and firmness not being mutually exclusive. I have been working exclusively with kids, mostly teenagers, for seven years. The lack of discipline and the ability of adults to apply tough love has never been more apparent as it is now. We are pumping out a generation of coddled, confused and irresponsible children at an alarming rate. All of it is because we are afraid to be tough on our children while loving them at the same time.
What I have found in my dealings with students over the years is they associate discipline with hate. We have become so bad at redirecting our children that they don't know we discipline out of love and not hate. When we discipline, have we set the expectations with our children so they know it is a consequence of their behavior? In today's world, employers conduct new employee orientation so their workers know what's expected and the consequences if they don't. We should do the same with our children. Our role, as parents and educators, is to prepare the next generation for adulthood. Just as the employer practices a rewards and consequences system, so should we.
Teaching, whether it's as a parent or an educator, is a 24/7/365 job. There are no days off, no vacations and no substitutes. Kids don't realize it, but they crave structure and boundaries. If you don't believe this, watch kids when you change up a routine. My students nearly lose their minds when we have to change the lunch schedule or the recreation schedule. There is such a delicate balance between routine and independence for children, especially teenagers. I hear parents complain about how much energy and time it takes to enforce discipline on their children. You take away their phones and XBOX, then all you hear is them whine about having nothing to do. That is when you stand firm and reinforce the idea that bad actions come with consequences. If you give in, they learn you will relent if they whine and moan enough.
Does the concept of tough love apply to "good kids?" Yes, it does. There isn't a child in this world who won't test limits. Even a straight A student, needs you to put them back in play sometimes. There is a happy medium between raising "free-range children" and being a "helicopter" mom or dad. We can't afford to be our children's friend. They need an authority figure to raise them. Show me a child that has never been mad at his or her parent and I'll show you a parent that is not doing his or her job.
I have seen dozens of kids whose parents have failed to be tough before it was too late. Children who are allowed to be disrespectful, skip school, get bad grades and drink or smoke weed, turn into students who end up in the court system for assault, felony drug use/sales, pregnant or worse, dead. Even if we don't allow it, the odds are decent our children will occasionally get involved in some of these activities. That's the excuse some parents use to justify not being tough on their kids. No matter what the excuse, we have to set expectations and follow through with consequences when they fail to meet them. The best case scenario is you have to take your child's IPhone when they break curfew. The worse case scenario is you don't bond your child out of jail immediately when they get busted for using drugs. Let your child hate you in the moment so they can love you forever as adults.
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